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Nov. 8th, 2006 | 12:09 am

The body can do anything if the mind is willing.

There are some positive changes I need to make in my life. It starts tonight.

I will take advantage of the time I have to myself, rather than allowing myself to feel lonely. I will allow Victor to do the same, and be more understanding of the fact that the things he does to unwind and be alone are different than the things I do.

I will be more active. A very close friend once said to me that the best type of exercise out there is the one you will do consistently. I will never find it if I don't start looking. Either way, wallowing on the couch is unacceptable. This sedentary life style is what lead to my initial weight gain, and I refuse to let it happen again (I have the power to take charge of my life and make positive changes).

I will enjoy long walks in the sunshine, I will take time to read a book in the grass. I will get back into discovering new music.

I will write again. Even if it is just journaling. I owe it to myself to reflect more upon my own life and mental state.

I will think seriously about my goals and how to achieve them. I will maintain a positive attitude about my accomplishments.

I will be less afraid.

I will try harder to keep in touch with friends and family who are far away (I WILL send out Christmas cards this year).

I will take up new hobbies (I will think seriously about those salsa lessons).

I will be less hard on myself.

I will read this blog to remind myself of these things, and the fact that I know I can succeed.

"When you feel life ain't worth living,
you've got to stand up and
take a look around -- look up way to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken
keep on dreaming boy 'cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die.

And oh as I fade away,
they'll all look at me and they'll say,
'Hey look at him and where he is these days.'
When life is hard you have to change."

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Bummed.

Oct. 1st, 2006 | 10:03 pm

Well, I didn't make it to CA in time to see Adam. So our mutual friend, Ellen, sent me some pictures. I was excited to see them, but it sort of makes it harder not to feel so utterly disappointed that I didn't get to see him.

The upside is that I DO get to go to David's wedding, which is equally pretty special to me.

So, for those that haven't heard, I bought my plane tickets. I will officially be in CA from Oct 17 - Oct 30. Email me, or leave a comment with your email address if you want to know how to get ahold of me (that is, if you don't already).

Hope to see some of you guys!! :)

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Goodbye endless rain, hello blistering heat and wildfires.

Jun. 23rd, 2006 | 04:46 pm

Just wanted to let you all know that as of Sunday we'll be moving out of the house and into TLF, which means no more computer. I'll prob. check my email from work now and then up until the 3rd so there's a good chance of getting ahold of me until then.

Otherwise, I'll let you know when we have internet up and running in Tucson (we arrive there on the 5th, but may not have a house/internet right away).

Also - those of you that want letters or postcards, send me your snail mail address (especially my England friends because I don't have snail mail addresses for most of you). Otherwise, NO CHANGE OF ADDRESS POST CARD FOR JOO!

Your best bet of getting ahold of me after Sunday will be using one of these email addresses:

tashamay at mac.com OR little.tashamay at gmail.com

(obviously replacing the "at" with an "@")

Wish us luck, and see some of you soon! Much love!! :)

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I am Natasha's blog entry. I am rare and often uninteresting. Nevertheless, Read me.

Jun. 7th, 2006 | 10:18 am

You Belong in San Francisco

You crave an eclectic, urban environment. You're half California, half NYC.
You're open minded, tolerant, and secretly think you're the best.
People may dismiss you as a hippie, but you're also progressive, interesting, and rich!


Well, I agree that I'm open minded, tolerant, and secretly think I'm the best. Progressive and interesting could go either way, and apparently I'm still working on the being rich part?

As it turns out though, I love to VISIT "The City" (Thanks, Eddie Izzard) but could never live there. I miss Sac. Oh, to be a river rat again...

In other (more important) news:

Victor's sister and her friend fly in on Sunday. They're here until the 22nd, and while were tight on budget with the move and all, I'm really looking forward to one last fling with England. We're planning to go to Duxford Air Museum (for Grandpa Doolittle), Leeds Castle, Stonehenge (This will be the upteenth time for Vic and I but I understand the desire to see it) and of course all the obligatory hot tourist spots in London. We're hoping to get tickets to see a show from the half price ticket booth, and I'm forcing everyone to go to Camden Town with me again so I can pick up some goodies for Matt, Bo, Teresa, and Adam (though they may not have known that until I stated it here).

The movers are coming to pack up the house on the 14/15 and we move into TLF (temporary living facilities or a hotel room for the less militray inclinded) on the 25th. There's this great story about how at the last Commander's Call my Commander announced that our lodging facility would finally have pet friendly rooms and Vic and I fought tooth and nail with the receptionsts to get one of the rooms, only to find out yesterday that the whole thing "fell through" (i.e. some Col. came through who was more important than us and needed the room). So now we're staying at a local Inn off base. I spat fire when they told me we'd have to pay the 45 pounds a night out of pocket, (we'd be reimbursed when we got to DM not that it matters because we sure as hell don't have 450 pounds sitting around) so they finally gave in and issued Vic a Government Travel card. Which works out better in the long run because we can put ALL our travel expenses on it and the government pays it off for us, which means more of our money in savings can stay in savings. YAY savings.

(This is especially helpful because after Vic's "fender bender" at our local obscenely large and notoriously insane roundabout we're not going to be able to sell our Nissan for as much as we were hoping. It's still fast as poo -- is poo fast? -- but it has more than a few "cosmetic" issues. Hopefully someone will still buy it!)

Anyway, we're going up to Feltwell on the 3rd for the 4th of July celebration (don't ask) and then we're dropping Kitty off at his kennel/flight place on the 4th and we fly out the 5th.

So, unbarable heat here we come.

I'm actually terribly excited. I'm not too keen on all the packing and cleaning and physical moving part, but I'm excited about Tucson. I'm excited to have more than 4 places to eat that I can actually afford (note that all 4 places are fast food -- PUKE!!), I'm excited about CLOTHES shopping (I think the BX only sells the crap that Target, Ross, and Baby Phat deem as too horrible to sell). I'm excited about having my own car again and about driving (not that I'm excited about gas prices) and having a HOUSE, and a shower that doesn't have water pressure which is equivalent to that of someone standing above you and spitting on your head. I'm just terribly terribly excited.

I don't know. It's a fresh start, I guess.

I finally have a hold on eating healthier and I'm getting to the point where forcing myself to go to the gym is more like gently ushering myself there. I've lost just about 10 lbs, but I still have a good 25 more pounds to lose before I'm really comfortable with my weight again. I'd be satisfied with 20 more, but 25 would be ideal. I wish I had the drive to become one of those gym freaks that's always doing cardio and strength-training, but I really just don't enjoy it. I do it because I know that's what it takes and that I need to, but I still don't particullarly enjoy it. If my knees were in better condition I'd take up running once I lost a big more weight, but I'm not sure they could handle it.

So, I'm looking into doing some temp work when we get to Tucson. We'll be down about 1800 dollars a month until I can find myself a new GS position and even though I have priority placement I just haven't seem much advertised at DM. I'm sure I'll find something, but in the mean time I'm hoipng to find something to do to bring in a little extra cash. I'm not too terribly picky about what. The whole idea of resumes and job hunting and applications is just so painful, though. I love my job here. Such is life.

Right, I should go do some actual WORK work now.

Miss you all. Can't wait to see some of you!!

I'm hoping to be back in Cali for a week or two in mid-September (just before my birthday), so hopefully I can catch up with everyone. I'm missing Adam's show in Tucson by a few days and don't think we'll have a house and car in time to catch him in Phoenix, so one of my top priorites will be seeing him while he's doing shows in the Sac area during September. Yay. It's been 3 years since we've seen each other so I'm to the point where I'm so excited I could puke. God, I hope his girlfriend doesn't hate me.

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Letters

May. 22nd, 2006 | 07:20 am
mood: determineddetermined
music: Fill My Little World - The Feeling

So, I got an email from Teresa today, and as I sat there writing my response I realized that I was finally expressing exactly what I've been trying to express the last twenty times I've logged into livejournal. For some reason writing to her, knowing there was someone who could relate, made it easier to get the words out.

I ended up not saying as much as I wanted to about her own situation and more about my own, but I hope very much she realizes that I support her no matter what. And that I hope, for both our sakes, things will start to make sense again soon.

Anyhow, I've posted the letter here in hopes that somewhere in the universe the part of me I'm looking for will read it, and come find me.

Maybe it's some insight into why I've been in such a funk lately.

Teresa,

I think I know how you feel.

I’ve found lately that I’m very much excited about moving Tucson, but I’m also very afraid that I’ll be equally unhappy there. I’m afraid it’s not England that made me unhappy, it’s me. That no matter where I go or with whom, I’ll always find something to be miserable about.

No friends will ever compare...no place will ever feel as much like home...

And how can I move forward when I am constantly trying to go back?

I find that I have a hard time hearing about my friends lives – I think about the fact that by the time I get to Tucson it will have been three years since I’ve seen Adam, whom I consider to be one of my closest and dearest friends. He has a girlfriend now, they’ve been dating a long time, and it’s serious enough that he’s staying with the circus an extra year until her contract is up so they can leave together -- which is so not the Adam I knew. And I find myself jealous that people like Ellen, our mutual friend, gets to be a part of his life because she’s closer to him than I am. When I know that’s not the reason at all.

I get angry with myself for not trying harder to keep in touch. I think if I had called him more, written everyone more often, maybe......then I get mad that he hasn’t put the effort forth either. I get jealous when I think about how much everyone is growing and changing without me, how much I’m missing, and that they don’t seem to care. I forget sometimes they might feel the same way about me.

It’s frustrating to feel so left behind, and sometimes I lose sight of the fact that I am moving forward too. I question every advance I seem to make in my life. Give credit to other people for my own improvements – I say it was JR and Adam that gave me confidence, Victor that gave me strength and bravery......

I miss my friends. I miss you, Tiana, Tory, Adam, David, Jes. I miss everyone.

I know what it’s like to be searching for some vision of yourself. And to feel like you’re constantly coming up short. I know the person I am today is not who I really am, but the person I was yesterday isn’t much closer. And anytime there’s some drama in my life I begin to question myself. Am I really that horrible person that Aliese and Kassy say I am? Why do I let them effect me? Why can’t I just be happy and content and sure of myself?

Victor keeps saying he thinks he’ll deploy more when we get to Tucson because Davis-Monthan is a fighter base. And I worry. I worry about losing him, about my sanity while being away from him. At the same time the idea of my own life for a few months, time to find myself, time to grow, is appealing. Then I think, what if we grow apart? What if when he comes back we’ve changed so much that we don’t know each other anymore? What if I lose him? What if he’s hurt or killed? How do I start my life over when I’m so invested in this one?

Nothing seems to make sense and I find myself stressed out, depressed, unhappy with myself, which only makes everyone around me unhappy.

I feel like Victor will someday cease being willing to deal with this side of me. That if I don’t find some semblance of reality soon, he’ll leave...

I understand, I do.

I wish I had some sort of advice. Some sort of wisdom.

All I can say is that I love you. I love you and I think of you often even if I don’t express it. Every day I wish for you to find whatever it is we’re both looking for. I do consider you one of my best friends, even though maybe we haven’t spent tons of time together, and maybe we don’t talk or write as often as we should, I feel connected to you; like you understand me better than a lot of people ever could because you’ve experienced a lot of the same emotional conundrums that I have.

I hope you come see us in AZ before you leave for Spain. And I hope that if you do go forward with it you find whatever it is you need there. I hope that, whatever you decide and wherever you go you find happiness and health and contentment. I hope you find that perfect little niche that you fit nicely in to and can call home.

Stay strong, and remember that there are a lot of us out there who want to see you happy and will always support you. And will always welcome you with open arms if you DO need to come home.

Maybe we’re both looking in all the wrong places…..I’m not really sure.

Since JR and I broke up I’ve been searching for myself, and I’m not really sure where to find it. Nothing has really made any sort of sense since then, except Victor. I cringe when people say that I’m “really together” and “tough” and I can’t deal with complements. I’m unhappy with my weight, but the fear that after I lose it I’ll still be unhappy keeps me from doing anything about it...

Guh. I hope you’re feeling a little better. I hope that something I’ve said here struck a chord with you and helped you realize that you are very much not alone in this search for...something.

I love you Teresa. Write again soon. And come see me in Tucson. I owe you about eighty dozen hugs and bottles of apple juice. I miss you too.

*smooches*

- Tasha May

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Dear Girls

May. 10th, 2006 | 06:54 am

Dear Girls (Who Screwed Me in High School),

Thanks for screwing me over again. It's nice to know you haven't changed at all.

Next time, instead of contacting me and saying you want to make amends, fuck off and have sex with your cheating boyfriend who will eventually dump you for some else from our high school who has gained less weight than you and uses less hair dye.

I hope at some point you finally catch that STD you should've contracted all those years ago.

Love Always,
Tasha May

P.S. Now as for you, Forgiveness, how about you stop taking the mick out of me, huh?

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Ehm.

Apr. 8th, 2006 | 10:31 pm

So, I finally got to chat with Adam a little bit tonight.

We've barely had the chance to communicate at all since he left for the Circus and I left for England. We haven't seen each other in almost three years, and we haven't spoken much in tha time either.

I just found out today that he never got ANY of my letters. He thought Vic and I were just living together. So, needless to say, he was a bit surprised. But very supportive.

I don't know how to feel about it, though. I guess now it feels like we've missed even more of each others lives than either of us thought we had. It reminds me of how much I miss him, and miss being around for each other. He sounds to be pretty serious with his girlfriend, Thias. They've been together a long while now, and part of the reason he's staying with Barnum and Bailey's is to wait for her contract with them to be up so they can both leave together. I'm so happy for him. It sounds like she's been really good for him. But, god, we've missed so much.

And it's not like it's something you can really make up.

He says he's supposed to be in the California area in July/August/September, so I'm hoping to try and catch up with him. I'm just afraid it won't work out again. Three years is a long freaking time.

I dunno. I guess I feel that way about a lot of my friends.

Jes is planning to come out and see us in AZ though, so I'm excited about that. In the mean time I'm trying to enjoy as much of England as is left. We're going to see Eddie Izzard next weekend, and Vic's sister is coming out in July, too.

It's going so fast. I want it to though, I want it to go fast.

I guess I'm just very homesick tonight. I'm not very good with homesickness.

Otherwise, things are good. The play is going well. I'll be glad when it's over though, I haven't been getting the gym as often as I'd like to. I'd really like to lose the rest of this weight before we leave England. I think I'd feel better if I wasn't carrying it with me when we left here.

I guess nothing really exciting has been going on.

Our trip to the Maldives was AMAZING. It was hot, and beautiful, and just utterly amazing. I can't even begin to describe it. We'd like to go back again, but we'll see what happens. It's expensive, and it seems like the more money we manage to make the less we can spend on anything like that. You can check out some pictures here: http://homepage.mac.com/tashamay/PhotoAlbum1.html

It's late, and I'm tired, so. That's all for now. :)

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Widgets

Mar. 12th, 2006 | 02:34 pm
mood: anxiousanxious
music: A Little Respect // Retro Night by Erasure

Widgets are cool. Mostly because I can post to my livejournal from them, and one of the reasons I never post is because...well, quite frankly, it's because I'm lazy.

So on to posting.

Things are good. We're 100% on our way to moving to AZ. We leave England on the 5th of July, and Kitty will be following shortly after. Looking back, there's been a lot of hard times for us here, but I can't say it hasn't been an amazing three years.

I got back into theater, which I honestly don't think I ever would have done if it hadn't been for Katie and, though I hate to admit it, Russ. And I've made some really fantastic friends through it. I will miss Al (and the rest of the Kammerer gang!) so much that I'm actually a little sad to go. I wish we'd met sooner, and spent more time together. They're just so cool. And Al is such a big Mac freak that I don't know what to do with myself when we're together.

Mostly I will miss my female boss ladies, Tracey and Steph. They've been infinitely supportive of me, and have helped me take my GS career places I wouldn't have even known about. I got moved up a step within my grade, so I'm now a GS-04-II. Which is cool, because I'm making almost as much as Vic's base pay is, for doing absolutley nothing every day. Which I just can't beat. I'm really going to miss the enviornment I work in. Everyone is so laid back, and the coffee shop girls keep me entertained and laughing. *le sigh*

So, yes, I'm sad to be leaving. But also totally excited. I'm excited to be getting a car and driving again, I'm excited by the idea of going back to school at least part time, I'm excited about heat and desert storms and about being close to home.

I bought Victor tickets to see David Spade in Vegas over labor day weekend, and I'm MUCHLY looking forward to it. My parents are talking about coming out with us too, which is also much to my happy happy joy joy.

And on that note, after talking to my parents last night for what felt like the first time in weeks (oh wait, it WAS the first time in weeks), I am reminded how much I adore them. They're just really great. My family is mucho awesome, and I'm really eager to be within a short flight of them again.

I miss crazy Persian gatherings and my super cool Iowa parents. I haven't seen my the Uncles on my mom's side in years, so I'm looking forward to my cousin's wedding in September. I'm really hoping Victor will have leave saved up because he hasn't met most of that side of the family.

I just feel really good about this move.

Victor's little sister is coming out to see us in June, just before things get really crazy, and I'm hoping we cn show her a good time. We'll probably try and get her out to Stonehenge and Warwick Castle, and London of course. She got a partial scholarship to UCSD, and I'm muchly proud and excited for her. I think she'll do really well in college. She's an astounding young woman, that one.

I'm just generally happy.

OH and the big finale --

two weeks unil our vacation in the Maldives!! Also, we've been on a waiting list to get tickets to a benefit show Eddie Izzard is doing on the coast, I had all but given up hope because the show was immediately sold out and was only weeks away, but as it turns out the dates had to be changed. They moved in to Easter Weekend, and had a ton of people cancel -- so we got TICKETS!! *happy dance* I get to go see Eddie Izzard!! Heheheeee!! So glad I don't have any religious ties to that holliday because it so paid of! :)

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ACK!

Feb. 10th, 2006 | 10:08 am

I want to move. NOW.

I'm just having a bad week. And I really want to go into the bathroom and bawl, but I can't, because it's 10AM on Friday and I'm working.

Victor's shop is being retarded. I, for the first time, called the Shop Chief to talk to him about the situation, and he basically gave me the run around and then turned the whole thing on me. I was so upset that I actually started crying on the phone,

and in weepy breathy teary broken words ended the conversation with "I have to go now because I'm going to start yelling at you. Thank you for your time, I'll be making some phone calls."

Naturally, immediately after hanging up the phone I shouted "ASSHOLE" at the receiver. I felt a little better.

For a second.

Then, to make things better, our crazy flight chief has ordered us to wear ugly fake jean colored button up shirts as our newly implemented uniforms. Because my breasts are too ginormously huge to fit into button up shirts that aren't four sizes to large for the rest of me, I've been wearing t-shirts underneath and wearing the uniform shirt partially unbutton.

Of course I don't have many completely solid colored t-shirts. So today I wore something with a printed picture on it, and she came in and asked my boss to ask me to button up my shirt or wear solid shirts underneath. Mind you, we've only had these uniforms for a week, and the solid black v-necks I ordered from the states SPECIFICALLY to wear underneath my uniform aren't here yet. Not that my stupid bitch of a flight chief would give me the benefit of the doubt and assume that as a good employee the printed t-shirt I was wearing today (FRIDAY by the freaking way) was just a one off thing. Fucking bitch dumb stupid blonde haired witch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Although according to my boss she said to tell me that she "loves me to death."

Yeah. I love you too, hoe bag. Only I wish something heavy would fall on you.

Needless to say, I am in a very FUCK YOU WORLD sort of mood today.

I'm pissed off. I'm upset. I feel stifled. Angry. Stressed. Ignored. Unappreciated. And just generally like curling up and dying.

*sigh*

And to top it all off, I'm on my period, which means an unusually stressful weeks because an OVERLY unusual, stressful, and exceedingly emotional week.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. and GARRRRRAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!

*sigh*

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We're moving!!!!

Feb. 3rd, 2006 | 09:22 am

The Personnel Data System reflects that you have an assignment from 100 MAINTENANCE SQ to 355 EQUIPMENT MAINT SQ with a Report Not Later Than Date (RNLTD) of 08 SEP 2006.

GAINING DUTY LOCATION:
DAVIS-MONTHAN AFB AZ 857070000

GAINING UNIT:
355 EQUIPMENT MAINT SQ

Do you know what that means? We're moving to Arizona, baby!

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